Tuning into the C-Section I had 31 years ago to bring my daughter into the world, I feel the pain and discomfort on the left side of my body, remembering as the surgeon cut into my body from the left side, slicing through the skin and reaching in to take her out. I didn’t know at the time it was opening up an inner and outer journey that would take me into the darkness of my own psyche, the ancestral patterns and beliefs of my family and the collective.
I remembered a trip to Sedona, Arizona where I was sitting with a small group of people and a shaman was facilitating a medicine wheel ceremony. She asked us to take something meaningful and place it in a hole in the earth. Each person hesitated but eventually removed a piece of jewelry and buried it in the ground. I was confused as to what I could bury as I chose not to wear any makeup or jewelry on this particular trip. I felt I was coming to the wheel without pretense or adornment and couldn’t understand why the shaman kept insisting there was something I needed to let go of. I felt humiliated and angry when she declared it was my pride that I need to release into the earth. What pride? I didn’t understand. And then I remembered my mother’s exasperated words “why is it that no matter how many times I try to bring you to your knees, you keep bouncing back up again?” What was it these women were trying to convey to me? Why did these women feel the need to see the worst in me and bring me to a level of suffering and humiliation. What was so wrong with having confidence and self esteem? What was the purpose in breaking me down? To destroy my complacency, break through the denial of my darkness?
It seemed to me this was a projection of their own darkness – not mine – but it served a purpose that would unfold over the next 30 years. I saw that we see each other as broken or flawed because ultimately WE FEEL this way ourselves, seeded by our experiences and conditioning by family and culture throughout our lifetime. These jolts of ego-ic breakdowns in whatever forms -health, marriage, security, an identity – are mechanisms to bring us out of our detached state of being into attachment, ultimately taking us deeper into compassion than we wouldn’t ordinarily experience without going through suffering and sacrifice – the ultimate journey of Buddha and Jesus.
Apparently these experiences of humiliation and breakdown of my light were to set my course to deepen my spiritual journey back to a state of compassion through me, to all Beings. On a soul level, I chose to take that path into darkness and my agreement was with certain individuals to ignite the darkness in a variety of ways along the way.
With the C-Section, I was split open both physically and energetically in that place where survival and desires meet. There have been many experiences besides these two that broke my will and took me into a place of surrender and receptivity, to go deeper into the darkness of the human psyche – all of them soul agreements with others, eventually bringing me back to the light of my Being beyond the “small self”.
So what now, as I perceive this split within me returning my will and desire into alignment within me? I cannot even begin to predict or prepare, anymore than I could have prepared for the journey of the past 31 years. But I know, as before, it’s about LOVE, compassionate LOVE and that’s all I need to know.
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