Returning Home

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, perhaps a lifetime ago, there was a young woman who made her way from her homeland in Australia to America. She knew she was running away but from what, she didn’t fully know. She only knew that America represented a type of freedom she had yet to understand. Somewhere between Australia and America, she became the young woman she dreamed herself to be – adventurous, rebellious, full of enthusiasm and ready to begin a new life believing she could do anything. Of course, that young woman was me and that journey began 42 years ago this month on the day of my parents wedding anniversary. What I didn’t know then is that I had compartmentalized all traumatic memories and feelings associated with my childhood and one day, that would catch up with me and I would be compelled to heal all that I had forgotten as I played my part in evolving consciousness on this planet by re-awakening to a more whole and multi-dimensional me.

I grew up in a time and place that had little regard for emotions and feelings and this is where my recovering journey began. I unearthed memories of childhood neglect, physical, sexual and emotional abuse and ultimately, betrayal and abandonment by those I loved and trusted to care for me. The inner work was arduous but intensely satisfying as I re-membered the truth; that I had indeed been victim to a family and culture that was so caught up in its own pain that our legacy was to inflict it on those unable to defend themselves and this included humans, animals and the earth herself. I saw how these experiences shaped my decisions, my actions and my ability to trust my knowing or trust others. I didn’t recognize that I had built a wall of protection around myself that kept me from loving and being loved, from feeling the truth of how my words, my actions hurt another.

The story is not that unusual these days but 30 years ago, when I began uncovering these experiences, there were not too many resources to support the depth of my recovery and so I created my own healing methods and what I learned, I passed on. What may seem unusual is that I found my way into different states of consciousness, became aware that I was integrating a multi-layered and dimensional Self and that I was part of a “whole” which I could only imagine.

I began to see us all as spiritual warriors; that we have given ourselves the task of experiencing life in a vast array of situations that break old patterns and structures, both personally and collectively, and come into alignment with a deeper truth about ourselves, others and god itself. And that we are doing it at this time, to raise the consciousness of humanity and shift from one paradigm of consciousness to another.

It was my soul’s destiny to integrate my earthly experiences and grow from past lives unresolved through this life. It was also my soul’s path to dissolve the ancestral lineage of violence and denial that had been present in generations past and finally free us from the wheel of Karmic debt. In the process, I found I was following a lineage and blueprint laid down by Jesus’ life and the Christian interpretations around it. Although very different, I was experiencing the abandonment, betrayal and abuse he suffered in his life. Through a vast array of my own experiences, came feelings of shame, guilt, judgment, motivated by fears around survival. As I progressed along my path, I began to return to a place of deep, abiding love, consciously recognizing and feeling all that was not love, in the name of love. And I returned to the spaciousness and womb of the soul, recognizing that “suffering” was the common meeting ground for all humanity and that we were part of a great paradigm shift in perspective and way of being. We were in fact, laying down a foundation for a new blueprint to emerge.

It was here that I began to understand why I had experienced the things I did. I opened to a realm of consciousness that spoke eloquently of my soul’s desire to experience love in human form, to evolve human consciousness individually and collectively, and to know “The Divine” as fully present within my physical body. I saw that the physical experience is the spiritual journey, that these paths are not separate but an intrinsic part of the whole and I had agreed to this in a place and time beyond this earthly realm of understanding, not just for my own evolution but the evolution of human consciousness itself.

This year I’ve been feeling in my bones that I have at last “arrived” in this new paradigm in which all of us have been consciously and unconsciously playing a role in destructing old operating systems and cultivating new ones both personally and in the context of larger systems. It would be hard to ignore that most structures are in major upheaval, from financial institutions to earth changes, to our personal attachments, to our ideals and values around partnership, community, and religion to name a few.

It is amazing to observe my own structures fall away and see that I have left behind one of my old stories of needing to prove I am valuable and be “more” of what others wanted or expected me to be because I believed I was “not enough” and imperfect. As the year began, I sensed another geometric pattern of three emerging and synthesizing – “right responsibility”, passion and commitment. I’ve been asking ”what is my right responsibility, what have I placed upon myself that no longer serves? What do I truly desire, where does my passion meet my joy? What does commitment look like as I re-frame it free of past conditioning?” And I have come to a most “unseeming” conclusion. I am meant to live playfully and joyfully. Once again, I am being returned to a place of trust. This time to be deeply seated in trusting my own discernment of people and circumstance, to live in deep and wider partnership with my full nature, and have the courage to believe and have faith that these giant leaps into the unknown will gain solid ground beneath me and present me with partners and alliances that benefit all. Now the journey is about returning home, a new home, one that I am co-creating with you. I wonder where that will take us and … I don’t need to know!

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