Four days after my birthday in August, I arrived back in California after spending four amazingly magical months in the heart of Mexico in a small 16th century Colonial town called San Miguel de Allende. At the time I left sunny southern California, I didn’t really know why I was going there or what was in store for me. I had little expectation other than the promise that I could comfortably live without the outrageous but necessary costs that were involved living in California. I had sold or given away most of my worldly possessions, including my feisty little cat, SheMa, and was for the first time in a long time, free of responsibility except to myself. It was both liberating and somewhat frightening because along with the material things, I had also let go of my identity and attachment to what had been my calling and work for the past 30 years of healing my experiences around love and the sacred world wounds I had come into this world to experience and transcend. I was entering my time in Mexico with a clean canvas to explore without the conditioning and obligations of my past.
My first observation came when I realized there was a familiar energy between where I was in Mexico and the land of my childhood and adolescence in Australia. It wasn’t obvious but the feeling was in the veins of the earth herself and I became aware of a foundation of simplicity and a slowing down of the tempo of living. I began to attune to two rivers of emotion flowing beneath the ground, one a current of happiness and the other of sadness and I began my grieving process. I grieved the loss of my family, the loss of my homeland and I grieved the loss of my adopted country in the United States. It was a powerful, rib-tearing right-to-the-bones-of-my-being kind of grief and quite unexpected. I realized while I had done an immense amount of grieving around my attachment to a number of roles and identities I have had in the past, I had never fully grieved the loss of the sense of belonging to family and community and the land itself. I had come to Mexico to confront these deep, massive currents that flowed through me and all those who choose to take leaps into unknown territories and leave the familiar behind.
Friends had told me of the courage it takes to make this leap but what I had felt was a compulsion just as I had with past leaps of faith and truthfully, I don’t know how else to live when these “urges without reason” begin to take shape in my mind. I simply had to trust that I would be caught and held as I jumped off my imaginary cliff and indeed I have many, many times over. Its just that at this age of my life, its become a little harder to let go of the familiar and comfortable.
But here’s the thing, my life had become “beige. I found myself in old patterns of behaviour that no longer had meaning for me. The habits of daily living were familiar but no longer fulfilling and I couldn’t access what I wanted beyond satisfying my basic needs of food, shelter and clothing. Money had become the catalyst for change but my vocation felt complete and I didn’t know what I truly wanted anymore nor did I have the drive or ambition to accomplish “it” as I had been when I was inspired in the past.
So Mexico’s heart opened to me and became a place of deep, cathartic healing as I allowed the unexpressed grief that had prevented me from feeling into the truer nature of my desires. And what I discovered was simple. My desire of how I was to serve my world dissolved into nothingness as I realized I serve simply by being my stripped down, authentic me and there is nothing I need to do to save the world other than live my life in integrity with my deeper values; even my desire to help the suffering in the world was continuing a belief in suffering instead of coming to a place of accepting and allowing and that IF circumstances came into my life I could indeed step forward but I did not have to seek it out. It is enough to be open and receptive to what life brings me. The ego-ic part of my nature wanted to “conquer and save” and feel valuable while the soul saw the perfection of all life expressing as parts of the All that is God. That what I saw as suffering was my perception of reality and that its possible at this time in my life to recognize I have accomplished this kind of service in the past and that now I can seed and fertilize a soul-full existence here on earth.
It is from this place that Mexico gave me its greatest gift, the permission and approval to be happy – truly, deeply happy! And that what makes me happy is to be in conscious and responsible relationship with my daughter, to belong to community and interact with all of life with compassion and kindness. I have stood apart from life in recent years as I did my deeper healing, believing I was not worthy of loving and being loved, feeling ashamed of wanting to be happy when the world at large seemed in such chaos and suffering and that I had caused pain to others and therefore should not live a simple and blessed life. The people in the town of San Miguel de Allende accepted me “as is”. There was nothing I need to do to prove that I was worthy of love. I was simply welcomed, embraced and supported to be me. There was no greater gift they could have given me than to birth me into this next stage of life as a newborn with innocence, trust and curiosity guiding my days. And so begins the next adventure here in Sonoma, Northern California, close to my daughter and the gentleness of the land that tends my Spirit. I feel incredibly blessed!