The other day I was speaking with a friend who asked me, “how do I know what I know?” It is a difficult question to answer and articulate other than to say that it is my experience that all wisdom, all memory of life, is held in the body and that at different times in our lives, the pathways are stimulated either by people or circumstances that allow us to access deeper knowledge and awareness. For me it comes through the feeling nature of my being and is a “cellular knowing” that feels so certain that there is no doubt of its authenticity and truth.
I’d like to tell you about three powerful experiences I had at the inception of my life that set the course for how I was to live out a large portion of it. The first occurred before I was formed as a physical being in the womb. I felt myself as a “seed of consciousness” leaving the spaciousness and omnipresence of Source and arriving into the womb of my mother. At that precise moment of arrival, I experienced intense terror realizing I was no longer one with Spirit but not yet attached to the womb in human form. I felt alone, separate and identity-less. The feeling of fear was immense as I became aware that not only was I attuning to the strong feelings of fear held inside my mother’s womb but I was activating a pathway that would become an “operating system” throughout my life too. This unrecognized experience and resultant fear would shadow my experiences and solidify into a belief that I was alone and separate.
The second experience happened in the womb three months later when I heard my parents arguing whether to abort me. Again, the cellular feeling within me was one of terror, taking on the beliefs that my life had no value and that I had no right to live. Years later, I recognized these beliefs had evolved into a bundle of deeply held beliefs …I had no right …to breathe, to be happy, loved, wanted, prosperous. Along with this experience, emerged a feeling of impending doom and uncertainty that emerged into a unconscious thread that filtered my perceptions and experiences in life that I’m not truly seen.
The third experience occurred when I was three months old and being held down on a table by my grandfather with one hand on my chest, the other touching my genitals in a violating way. I saw my little baby body squirming to get free, looking down in horror to see what my grandfather was doing to me. At that moment, my soul was attempting to remove itself from my body and was only being held in place at the neck. The belief deeply embedded in my being spoke very clearly, I am not safe, the world is not safe, people can’t be trusted. And it was from this initial experience that I spent most of my life being in the logical/rational part of my brain so that I could protect the feeling nature of my body creating a disconnection between body, mind and spirit.
I share these experiences because I know now that all of us are coded with a matrix of beliefs that are seeded in our being; that throughout our lifetime, those beliefs create experiences that are repeated over and over again. What we believe, both hidden and exposed, affects our behavior and this is connected to the whole of life and how it shows up in our sphere of reality. My soul’s quest was to first experience circumstances that imprinted certain beliefs in my body, and then at a later stage in my development, uncover, evolve and eventually dissolve these beliefs, not just for myself, but to clear the lineage of my ancestral line so that a different blueprint of beliefs and experiences could be laid down on the planet. This is one aspect of what the mystics refer to as “The Great Shift” or “the Awakening” which in itself is a movement and birthing from one paradigm of consciousness to another and requires us to dissolve old beliefs into new experience.
There is little doubt that this is that time, when what we have cultivated is revealing itself on a massive scale on the world stage as well as in our personal lives. Things definitely seem to have sped up in recent years. Each of us, on a soul level, has chosen different “playing grounds” – some to play an active part in destructing a particular system, others to play a more dominate role in constructing and expanding a new system – neither to the exclusion of the other. Because all this is generated from our unique self and contributes to the whole, I believe it is important to humanity and earth’s survival to become conscious of the particular beliefs you hold about yourself and the world because, how you take this into action is how “we” are creating this new paradigm both within our own being and in the physical outside world. In my belief system, I consider that all experiences we have, originate from a “god generated” part of our being; we are indeed co-creating life and death together. My earlier experiences in life led me to play out a life of victim which took me to my head to create beliefs that would keep me in a place of reasoning and safety – an illusionary space of separation and dis-passion. It took a personal crisis to break the strangle-hold of the mind and move me into the cellular body of the heart and into my feeling nature which eventually took me on a “wild ride” of healing and integration. It is here that I began to “I know” and where I continue to turn toward so that I can access and align my passionate nature for the good of all.
I truly believe we are supposed to do what brings us joy, contentment, and appreciation for what we bring to our world. Many already know this and are doing it passionately and freely, for me there was always the sense that I was to live two lives here on earth, evolving from a place of personal survival to that of aligning with the desire for a life lived for the greater good of all. My sense is that I have begun my “second life”. I feel very much a newborn, feeling my way back into a world that I had left to do most of my healing. It feels strange to be in my body – it feels heavy and it is. I don’t have a sense of where the edges of my world are. I know I am not relating to the violence and ignorance that is shown on television but I also don’t know what my role is at this point in my life. And like those early memories around my birth, I am challenged with staying in my body to bring forth what interests and brings out my passionate nature. What I do know is that I am compelled to listen to my inner urgings, test them out and sit in high trust without knowing the outcome. There is an interconnectedness that I cannot grasp with my mind until I am joined with you in this resonant field called life.